Happy and Blue 2

Jenny wanted to be a ghost for Halloween but her Mother refused to make such a scary costume. But since Jenny was 42 years old now and she had a reasonably clean white bed sheet and a pair of safety scissors she decided to make her own costume. In spite of the whining of her Mother.

So, after she had pulled the sheet off her bed she set to work on the costume.

 Making a ghost costume is apparently not as easy as it seems. Jenny had to cut holes in the sheet for her eyes. So she could see where she was going through the coffee stains on the sheet.

And after several attempts at getting the eye holes in the right spot she was at her wits end. Which in Jenny’s case wasn’t very far as her wits end was only a short distance from her wits beginning.

“Auuugggghhh!!!!!!!!” Jenny wailed after her 83rd failed attempt at cutting the eye holes in the right place. I need a model of me to make this work.

So, she decided that the only thing with her shape was the refrigerator. And she quickly threw the sheet over it and began cutting. 

The refrigerator plan worked perfectly and in just a few hours the eye holes were cut. They don’t call them safety scissors for nothing. Stupid plastic scissor shape with plastic cutting blades that don’t. Cut that is.

Anyways, she had the eye holes in the right place now. And she had a bunch of other holes from her previous attempts just in case the sheet shifted when she was walking.

Being a ghost would be cool she thought. But being a ghost that walked into a tree because she couldn’t see wouldn’t be quite so cool. 

So, Jenny tried the costume on. And it fit perfectly. Except that with her somewhat bulbous body, which was a glandular problem totally unrelated to her massive appetite for junk food, the sheet only covered her front half. And to keep it from sliding off she would have to staple the sheet to her head. Which she promptly did.

“Wow, that hurt.” said Jenny as she put the pneumatic stapler back the in her tool box. 
“I won’t do something that silly again” she continued.

So with the front half of her costume done Jenny set to work on the back half. And taking the other sheet off her bed she quickly nailed it to her head with her pneumatic nailing gun.

“Plahups I’m shud ob usened 1” nailb’s stead ub the 3” uns” she muttered as tears streamed in and out of the eye holes.
And using her remaining brain cell she made a mental note to try tape next time.

But with the costume done Jenny did go out trick or treating. And she did have a great time scaring little kids and dogs and such. 

Well, until she got hit by the bus 10 minutes after she left her house. But that’s a story for another time.

So todays question is:
1) What’s the best Halloween costume you ever wore?

Randy Rabbit and his best friend Freddy Fox were all excited about Halloween. Which in the animal kingdom is called “Just Another Day” due mainly to the historical fact that animals never received a formal invititation to participate in the human festivities. Plus most animals are Jehovah Witnesses or something so they don’t celebrate days like Halloween. 

 But, Randy and Freddy didn’t care about that. And they didn’t even care that their families didn’t particularly like them hanging out together because rabbits and foxes are different races. 

 “Kids just don’t get it” Randy’s Dad kept saying. But little kids aren’t smart enough to get it. Only big kids and adults do.Little kids learn about this stuff later in life from someone I suppose. Life is weird that way.

 So for now they were best friends. And it was Halloween night. Or “Just Another Day” night.

 “What should we do first?” said Freddy.
“Put on costumes” said Randy who had seen human children dressed up the year before.

 So Freddy and Randy rolled themselves in some glue and jumped into a pile of leaves which ,somewhat surprisingly, made them look like a pile of leaves.
Costumes for animals are kind of limited since their Moms spend so much time having a kazillion babies that they don’t have the time, or the sewing machines, to make them.

 “Now what?” said Randy.
“Let’s get some treats” answered Freddy as he pulled some leaves out of his mouth.

 So the two boys went from fox hole to fox hole and rabbit hole to rabbit hole and snuck treats consisting mostly of lettuce and pork chops from the other animals refrigerators.
They even went to a few human houses and got some treats but they promptly threw these treats away. 

“Chocolate..ewwwwww…who likes this crap?” said Randy.  And Freddy agreed. Then they giggled. I’m guessing it was because they are little kids and little kids are always giggling about something.

Anyways, after about an hour of collecting treats they were done. They each had a mouthful of pork chops and lettuce. A bag full of treats would have been better I suppose but there aren’t really any bags for treats in the animal kingdom. 

“Now what?” they both said in unison as they dropped their treats in a pile. 
But they knew what was next. It was time to eat.

So, they divided up the treats with Freddy taking all the pork chops and Randy taking all the lettuce and ate and ate and ate. And every once in a while they giggled. Because little kids are always giggling.

Oh, and eventually,in a month or two, their costumes wore off. 

 So todays question is:
1)  What’s your favorite part of Halloween?

“Dennis, Arthur, Jack, Thomas, Oliver, Joshua, Harry, Charlie, Daniel, William, James, Alfie, Samuel, George, Joseph, Benjamin,Ethan, Lewis, Mohammed, Jake, Dylan, Jacob Scrpinzixxckopts” screamed his Mother. “It’s time to get up.”

“Why on earth did we give that kid so many names?” she muttered to her husband Ziblisco who was munching on his cereal. But, she knew the reason why.

When they had moved to Canada from England her husband Ziblisco Scrpinzixxckopts had experienced difficulty in finding a job as a fish whisperer. And they both knew it was due to his odd name. Well odd for Canada anyways. In England it is actually a very common name. Like John Smith is in North America.

So when they had their first child they decided to make sure that he, who may just as likely been a she because giving birth is kind of a crap shoot when it comes to the sex of the baby, had a proper Canadian name. A name that would guarantee a bright and successful future.

Which is why they chose to include the most popular names of the day. All of them. So that no one could make fun of him. Or refuse to hire him because he had some weird, in Canada anyways, name. 

Who knew that name prejudice would still be rampant in North America. Well, everyone but the Scrpinzixxckopts family apparently. Seems like people will always find something to be rampant about. And prejudiced about as well I suppose.

“There is safety in numbers” muttered his Mom. “ Or in this case number of names”

And so far their strategy was paying off. 

Dennis, Arthur, Jack, Thomas, Oliver, Joshua, Harry, Charlie, Daniel, William, James, Alfie, Samuel, George, Joseph, Benjamin,Ethan, Lewis, Mohammed, Jake, Dylan, Jacob was doing exceptionally well in all his classes at Fish Whisperer school. Which his Dad taught at the local Community College. Well, not actually taught as in being a teacher kind of thing. More like he taught his son when he wasn’t sweeping or mopping or dusting or cleaning bathrooms at his cleaning job at the local Community College.

And when his Doctorate in Metaphysical Science, which was issued based on life experience and $5000 in U.S. currency, arrived in the mail from Mexico then Dennis, Arthur, Jack, Thomas, Oliver, Joshua, Harry, Charlie, Daniel, William, James, Alfie, Samuel, George, Joseph, Benjamin,Ethan, Lewis, Mohammed, Jake, Dylan, Jacob was sure to get any job he wanted. 

Just as soon as they got him a social insurance number. On a card big enough to put his name on anyways..

But that was the Canadian governments problem not theirs. 

So todays question is:
1) How many names is to many?

Holly had been looking forward to Halloween for what seemed like the whole month of October. Which it actually was. But now, it was finally here so she was just looking forward to scaring people with her costume and getting lots and lots of candy. Mostly from strangers. Which is odd because kids are always told not to take candy from strangers. But the rules of candy and strangers get thrown out the window on Halloween apparently like the pet goldfish that refuses to be flushed down the toilet after it dies a week after you buy it at some department store.

Anyways, Holly was excited about her costume. She was going as a scary pirate this year.

Every other year in her long life of 6 years she had gone dressed up as a princess but this year would be different. Holly had told her Mom that she was tired of being the beautiful princess every year. No one was scared of her when she looked like a princess. But everyone would be terrified of her when she looked like a pirate.

So her Mom made an eye patch out of cardboard and an elastic band and presto, Holly was now a pirate. With a princess dress and a princess crown. I think Holly’s Mom was kind of lazy but who am I to say.

In the evening Holly got all dressed up in her costume. She put on the dress. She put on the crown. She tried to put on the eye patch but the elastic hurt her head so she had to leave it off. Oh, and she grabbed a bag for candy and ran out the door. With her Mom and Dad trailing behind her of course. She was only 6.

Holly played the part of a pirate perfectly.
“Arrrrr..give me all your treats you scurvy dog” she said at each house.
And the people at the house would smile and say “Awww..aren’t you a cute princess”
And Holly would say “ Huh..I’m not a princess..I’m a pirate”
And then the people would say quietly “ I guess she’s mental. Just give her something and get her out of here”.

At the end of the night Holly had a huge bag of treats. She had chocolate bars and other candies, and some apples which she promptly threw out as soon as she left the peoples houses. What the heck is it with people who give apples? Who would want apples? Except maybe a horse. And Holly was a pirate, not a horse, for goodness sake.

When she got back home she was just too tired to sort through the candy so she left it in the care of her parents and went off to bed.

In the morning Holly rushed to the kitchen to get her treasure. Which was what she decided to call her Halloween treats since she had been a pirate.

But, while the bag was laying there, and there were a bunch of wrappers laying on the floor between her parents, who were also laying on the floor clutching their stomachs, the treasure was gone.

“Auugghhh…” screamed Holly. “Where is my treasure?”

“I have no idea” said her Mom wiping chocolate off her face.
“Me either” said her Dad. “I have to go potty” he added clutching his stomach with chocolate covered hands.

“This really sucks” screamed Holly. “All that work for nothing.”
“Next year I want to dress up as a detective” she screeched at her Mom who was now passing gas at an alarming rate.
“If I had been a detective I could solve the case of the missing Halloween candy” Holly continued.

“I’ll see what I can do” groaned her Mom wishing they had two bathrooms in the house.
“Are you almost done in the bathroom Husband” she screamed.
“Not even close to done.” he moaned back.

So, the mystery remained a mystery. At least until the next year when Holly dressed up as a detective in a princess dress with a princess crown and a cardboard magnifying glass. I’m guessing her Mom still was to lazy to make a real costume.

Anyways, her parents had a second bathroom installed in the house. Right after they cleaned up the mess that is..

So todays question is:
1) Do you ever eat your kids Halloween treats?

In the beginning people didn’t have cars. They didn’t even have clothes. Nothing much was stolen in those days. Except for the odd glance. But since everyone wore dark sunglasses in those days no one could really tell. Except for the snickering when people passed you. But it was a happy time full of snickering so no one really cared.

Later on in history, probably about the 1800’s or so I’m guessing, clothing came into vogue and people stopped wearing dark sunglasses. Snickering was still heard but it was usually followed by pretend coughing or stories about jokes that people had just heard ,that they couldn’t remember after they snickered, so feelings were not hurt much.

Anyways, clothing thefts became a real problem so scienticians were consulted and clothing alarms were invented. By someone else actually. Scienticians of that time period weren’t very good at inventing stuff. Mothers were. They sewed names on all the clothing. Mostly so they could keep their husbands from wearing their dresses and lingerie and such I’m guessing.

And for a time, until 1960 or so, everyone was happy again. Many clothing thieves were caught wearing clothes with someone else’s name in them and they were incarcerated in Federal Penitentiaries or something. Historical evidence is spotty on what happened to them so I’m guessing they paid a hefty price for their misdeeds.

In about 1960 bicycles were invented, just after the demise of horses as the most logical way to get somewhere. Horses had always been annoying anyways because they were hard to fit into sewing machines and thus were hard for Mothers to label properly.

Bicycles, on the other hand, presented a different problem. They were made of metal. So while they would stay put in the sewing machines they just refused to have labels sewn on them.

This is were those previously useless scienticians came in. 

Scienticians of the day created that annoying “Chirp, Chirp” sound so people could safely leave their bicycles unattended in store parking lots. 

Basically you dropped your bike on the ground, because bike racks weren’t invented until about 1987, and yelled “Chirp, Chirp”. This alerted everyone, and especially criminals, that you had set the alarm on your bicycle. Then someone stayed in the parking lot beside the bicycle, usually the man, and if a thief touched the bike the man would go “Ding, Ding, Ding….”. Horns weren’t invented until much later.

Of course cars were invented in about 1995 or something. And because of the groundbreaking work that had already been done for bicycles they all came with car alarms. And door locks so men had to go shopping.

And men still wish they could just stay in the parking lot when women shopped.                    
And could wear women’s dresses and lingerie I suppose.
Sometimes being a man is hard.

So todays question is:

1)Do you ever wish that car alarms could make a different sound. Perhaps an air raid siren sound or something?