Happy and Blue 2

Somewhere palm trees were blowing in the breeze. And the beaches were covered in sand. And the waves were rhythmically lapping against the shore. Some children were playing in the sand and were playfully tossing sand into a fat man’s face. And some were running in and out of the water splashing the fat man and giggling each time it happened.

“Quit throwing sand at me and splashing me you little trollops” said Wilbur wagging his chubby finger. “Don’t make me call the lifeguard and have you kicked off the beach” he continued.

But the children just giggled, as children do when they are being complete jerks, and they continued splashing Wilbur and throwing sand in his face. In fact they even sped up the pace of their complete and utter naughtiness.

So, spitting a bunch of sand out of his mouth Wilbur yelled for the lifeguard.

The lifeguard was saving a woman from drowning but he stopped saving her and swam over to where Wilbur was laying. There are always choices to make in life. Who knows which one is the right one at any given time. Well, not the lifeguard anyways.

And anyways, saving people didn’t let the lifeguard show off his muscles to the girls laying on the beach. But helping a fat man with his problem would highlight just how muscly he was to the girls. So the choice was an obvious one. If he wanted to pick up girls anyways. And he did.

On his minimum wage salary the odds of meeting girls any other way than showing off his muscles was slim to none. Heck, he didn’t even own a car. And he slept in the lifeguard shack at night because he couldn’t afford an apartment.

So anyways, dropping the girl he was saving in the waves, the lifeguard swam over to Wilbur to investigate the problem.

“What’s the problem fatty” said the lifeguard sympathetically to Wilbur.
“These mean little kids are splashing me and throwing sand in my face” replied Wilbur.
“What?” said the lifeguard flexing his muscles to some girls who were passing by. And then he made a pretend phone with his hand to his ear. Which was kind of odd since they didn’t know his phone number. And he didn’t even own a phone.
“I really need to get a real job” the lifeguard muttered to no one in particular.
“Anyways, what were you saying about splashing children and throwing sand at them” he said to Wilbur.
“They are splashing me” said Wilbur. “And they are throwing sand” he continued.

But it was all for naught. The lifeguard was back to flexing and making phone signs with his hand to some other girls.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave the beach” said the lifeguard. “Throwing sand at people and splashing them are both grounds for being kicked off the beach” he continued.
“Shame on you. Now buzz off fatty before I call the police”

So Wilbur left the beach never to return. Which was kind of drastic if you think about it.

And the lifeguard eventually got a better job as a welfare recipient.

Oh, and eventually the lady the lifeguard had been saving washed up on the beach and was disposed of in the proper waste receptacle I guess.

So today’s question is:
1) Have you ever dealt with someone who just wouldn’t listen?

As every good conspiracy theorist knows, Govenments are always burying the truth under a pack of lies that the Alien Overlords insist on. And Wiblo was one of the best conspiracy theorists the world had ever known.

Wiblo’s unpaid career began shortly after he graduated from his local university with a Bachelor’s Degree in Arts with a double major in English and Needlepoint.

He quickly found out that having an Arts degree or even an Arts degree with a double major really didn’t qualify anyone for an actual job. And just like training in Hairdressing the jobs that he could get only paid minimum wage. With very little chance of a raise.

This realization, that life isn’t particularly fair, led him into the conspiracy field. Which I’m guessing pays even less than minimum wage.

In fact if any career needed a Union it would have to be the conspiracy theory career. Which would of course require meetings and rules and pay scales and scheduled holidays and coffee and lunch breaks. And other rules which sound suspiciously like a conspiracy by some secret agency. Probably the Government.

Just thinking about Unions would make a conspiracy theorist want to investigate the whole Union thing. There’s also the “brother” this and “sister” that. Which is what you are are required to call your fellow Union members.

And then there is that world famous “Something or other has got to go, hey, hey, ho,ho” chant that Unions insist on all members using to solve their problems.

Anyways, conspiracy theorists don’t have a Union, so none of that Government inspired method of controlling the masses so the secret society that controls the world can continue keeping the rest of us from finding the Aliens they sold us to, really makes much difference.

And Wiblo specialized in toilet paper rolls not Unions. Especially the two ply rolls that every conspiracy theorist knows have tracking devices implanted in. Devices that stick to our nether regions so the Government can keep track of our sorry behinds. Because the Alien Overlords like to know where the probing parts of us are I guess.

Wiblo was the one that broke the story to his fellow conspiracy theorists and the rest of the world about the real reason for the cutting of the rainforest in the Amazon.
As I’m sure you have probably heard, unless you live under a rock or something which is a great way to escape Alien detection I am told, the real reason is because the Government is secretly trying to eliminate leaves. Which some cultures can use for toilet paper. And which are difficult to implant tracking devices in.

In fact that’s why we have Winter in the northern parts of the world. To discourage the use of leaves as a cleaning up device. Spending half the year, where I live anyways, cleaning up with branches would make anyone want to switch to toilet paper with a tracking device. Probing is far easier to take than pointy branches that squirrels and other vermin like birds use as a bench all Summer long.

But the Government can’t can’t control the weather in the Southern parts of the world, because the Aliens need a warm place to live I’m guessing, so it had to take other steps. And because Governments aren’t all that smart they decided to just cut the trees down and the problem would be solved.

Well, that’s Wiblo’s theory anyways. The same theory that won him a Nobel prize for Wackiness. Which is the most coveted prize in the conspiracy theorist world.

Personally, I think it may have something to do with Unions and their insistence on job security in the toilet paper plants they control for their Alien Overlords but that’s just a sane answer to the reason we have two ply toilet paper. Unlike Wiblo, I’m a realist, not some wacky conspiracy theorist..

So today’s question is:
1) Do you believe in conspiracy theories?

Lanny was very creative. Perhaps a little misguided in his thinking but creative. And that is why he became an inventor. Some people say the greatest inventor that the world has ever known. Personally I wouldn’t go that far but I am just one voice. And perhaps a bitter voice at that since I’ve never invented anything.

But the story is about Lanny and his inventions. Not about people like me who are jealous of showoffs such as Lanny.

Lanny’s greatest invention was the double double coffee. Cup that is.

He noticed that his Father always seemed to need two cups of coffee in the morning to wake up. And he noticed that it meant his hard working Father had to make two trips to the coffee maker to accomplish that. And he also noticed that there were several dusty cups in the cupboard that never got used.

So, using his creativity and a hammer, some screws and a tub of glue he set to work to solve the problem.

Lanny used the hammer to smash the handle off one of the cups and then he quickly stuck the two cups together with a blob of glue. Then he played with the screws for about an hour until the glue dried.

Once the glue had dried he filled the cups up with water, which he promptly drank, and then he spent the rest of the day brushing the mud out of his teeth. Lanny had forgotten how dusty the cups were I guess. Or perhaps he just needed something to do until morning when his Father would want more coffee. Who knows what inventors motives for brushing their teeth really are.

The following morning Lanny got up before his Father and put the coffee on. And then just as his Father came into the room he poured coffee into the double double cup.

His Father looked confused but was soon enjoying the coffee. Except for the coffee that spilled out of the second cup onto his shirt. But by changing his hand position he was quickly able to redirect the coffee onto the floor beside him and away from his shirt.
And since Lanny’s Father didn’t wash floors it worked for him. Not so much for Lanny’s Mother, who did wash the floors though I guess. But that really wasn’t Lanny or his Father’s problem. Which is why I am not mentioning it.

After his Father had finished his coffee he congratulated Lanny on his brilliant invention.
And then he told him how it needed to be fixed for about an hour or so. So long in fact that he ended up being late for his job at the floor tack factory and received a written reprimand from his boss. Which seems irrelevant for this story but is good for people to know just the same. Being late for your job does have consequences. So be on time.

Anyways, the double double coffee cup had two main flaws according to Lanny’s Father.
The first flaw was the coffee spilling out of one cup while you drank out of the other cup.

Lanny set to work fixing that problem right away by gluing two new cups at a jaunty angle. The prototype worked sort of ok so he was happy.

The second flaw was that the coffee was hot for the first cup but by the time his Father got to the second cup it was only luke warm.

So Lanny set to work on that problem as well. And he found that by doubling up the number of heating coils in the coffee pot he could get the coffee to be twice as hot. So the second cup would still be steaming hot and not just luke warm.

Plus the extra heat from the second coil in the coffee pot made the pot glow which eliminated the need to put on the room light which was a bonus. A bonus that almost offset the extra cost of electricity used by the coffee pot and minimized the environmental impact. Which wasn’t a concern in those days but is today as Global Warming wasn’t invented by scienticians when this story takes place. Nor were women’s rights apparently since his Father didn’t do the housework on an equal basis.

Anyways, the next morning Lanny got up early again and put on the coffee. And using oven mitts and some kind of safety suit he made the day before out of an old mattress that his sister slept on he poured the coffee into his new and improved double double coffee cup just as his Father entered the room.

And his Father was pleased with what his son had accomplished.

Well, he was pleased until the first sip of coffee burned his tongue like a fire from “H E double hockey sticks.”
And the second cup was so hot it melted the glue holding the two cups together and the cup landed in his lap burning his crotch worse than the gonorrhea he had had when he was younger.

But after his Father was released from intensive care at the local hospital they had a good laugh about the whole incident. Well, Lanny laughed anyways. His Father mostly just made horrible grunting sounds since he was missing part of his tongue and most of his crotchal area.

Oh, and Lanny continued on in his career as an inventor. But none of his inventions turned out as well as the first one.

So today’s question is:
1) Have you ever wanted to be an inventor?

Jexipplizz had wanted to play in a rock band ever since he realized that only athletes and musicians get lots of girls. And he wasn’t much of an athlete. Especially since he had been born with two left feet. And two left hands.

“Genetics can’t live with it, can’t live without it.” his Mom used to say before she read in Oprah magazine that apparently you can live without it.

Anyways, in Jexipplizz’s case it didn’t matter because he couldn’t change the way he was. Plus it would hopefully keep him out of the army when he grew up. Which is always a plus. Unless you want to “Be all that you can be” I suppose.

So, Jexipplizz bought a guitar. And that didn’t work out for him. So he bought a set of drums. And that also didn’t work out for him. And he bought an accordian. But he took it back right away. Accordians don’t really work out for anybody that wants to be a rock star. Unless you want 80 year old groupies throwing their adult incontinent diapers at you on stage. Which he didn’t.

Eventually Jexipplizz settled on a tuba. Which really isn’t a rock band instrument either. But it was loud. And he could get a left handed one. Which made him sort of stand out from the crowd. In a “Who in their right mind would play a left handed tuba” sort of way.

After years of practice and several dozen music teachers, who all gave up on him eventually, Jexipplizz felt ready to take his act to the local park where local rock bands played every Sunday. Right after getting out of church I’m guessing.

His family was overjoyed. His closest friends were overjoyed. The people at the park were not so overjoyed. Some ran away, some threw up at the racket, some cried in pain and some were in Detroit with his parents and friends and only heard about the incident in the papers.

So, he wasn’t a successful rock star. Or musician for that matter. But he did inherit some money eventually and that was enough to attract the attention of several women. One of whom he married and had 14 children with. And he got a good job selling left handed crap door to door which he liked doing.

And in the end not being a rock star didn’t really matter all that much I suppose. Because when he was alone in his music room ,with the soundproofed walls his wife and children had insisted on, he was whatever he wanted to be. And he was happy.

Which, in life, is probably all that really matters..

So today’s question is:
1) Have you ever failed miserably at something but still enjoyed it?

Margaret Mouse was ready. She had her shopping bags. And she had an umbrella. Just in case it started raining when she was on her shopping trip. The same shopping trip she had decided to go on just after her kids had been sent off to mouse school or some such place. Science is unclear on whether mice children actually go to school or if they just run around aimlessly scaring people. But science has proven that all mice go shopping when they get a chance. And today Margaret was taking advantage of her chance.

After driving to the mall in her Porsche, which is what mice call walking to the mall for some unknown reason that always makes them giggle, Margaret set to work sorting through clothes for herself.

“Do you have this dress in a petite” she asked the sales clerk.
“That is the petite” said the clerk.
“Well” said Margaret. “This so called petite would fit an elephant”
“You’re in the Elephant Dress Shop!” said the clerk in a somewhat snooty manner. Elephants are known to be snooty at times. Especially elephant clerks.
“Now push off” continued the clerk. “You’re scaring the other customers”

So, Margaret moved on to the next store.

“Where are your dresses?” Margaret asked the clerk.
“We sell chocolates, not dresses” answered the clerk rolling her eyes.
Hippopotamus are known for rolling their eyes a lot. No one knows why. They just do.
“Do you have any chocolate dresses then?” asked Margaret.
“NO!…now buzz off” said the clerk politely.

So Margaret moved on to the next store, and the next, and the next, and the next getting similar responses in each one until finally there was only one store left.

And, entering the last store she went right up to the clerk.
“Do you have any dresses?” she asked.
“Yes we do.” answered the clerk.
“Any dresses that would fit a mouse” Margaret continued.
“It’s not called the Mouse Dress Shop for nothing!!!!” exclaimed the clerk.
“Well then I must have one” said Margaret. And she began rummaging through the dresses that they had for sale.

After a short time she had found the perfect one. And she took it up to the clerk.
“I’ll take it” she exclaimed. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
“Sure…if it makes you buy it then it’s beautiful” said the clerk yawning. Apparently the clerk didn’t work on commission so selling or just standing behind the counter was the same to her. In fact selling something was more of an annoyance than not selling.

“That will be $50” said the clerk.
“Yikes..” said Margaret. “I only have $25 with me.”
“Close enough” said the clerk ringing in the purchase.

So Margaret headed home in her lovely new dress.

And the clerk promptly was fired by the manager of the dress shop. But the clerk didn’t care. Minimum wage jobs are a dime a dozen..

And today’s question is:
1) Do you like shopping?