Happy and Blue 2

“How do I make toast?” Betty asked her bestest friend ever Bertha.
“Put it in the toaster and push the lever down” replied Bertha.
“Then what do I do?” asked Betty.
“When the toast pops out butter it and place your favorite condiment on it” replied Bertha.
“But I want toast and eggs” said Betty. “How do I make eggs?”
“Chickens make eggs” replied Bertha. “You can just get some chicken eggs from the refrigerator and then boil them or fry them.”
“You really need to get a cookbook” Bertha continued wondering why she ever agreed to be friends, let alone bestest friends ever, with someone like Betty.
“Thanks for all the help” said Betty as she put some eggs in a frying pan. “Here’s $20.”
Bertha remembered why she was still friends, bestest friends forever with Betty.
“Get a cookbook” said Bertha. “And some more cash” she added as she left for home.

After she had eaten her toast and butter and played with her eggs in the shell that she took from the frying pan Betty headed out to find a cookbook.
Hopefully one that explained what condom mints were and why you would put them on your toast.

At the bookstore Betty looked confused so all the clerks, sensing her need for assistance, took off and hid in the back.
But Betty was persistent in her quest and eventually one of the clerks had to pee so they came out of hiding.

Betty stood patiently by the bathroom door for about an hour while the clerk had a few cigarettes in the bathroom, and eventually, thinking that no one in their right mind would wait outside a bathroom that long, came out through the cloud of cigarette smoke.

‘Do you sell books here?” asked Betty.
“Yes, this is a book store” said the clerk.
“Do you have any cookbooks?” asked Betty
“Yes, there is a whole section of cookbooks” replied the clerk.
“Where are they?” asked Betty.
“Ummm..right under that giant sign that says cookbooks” said the clerk
“Thank you for all your help” said Betty. And she headed to the cookbook section while the clerk ran back to the bathroom.

There were a lot of cookbooks to choose from. To many actually. It really seems like everyone thinks they can write a cookbook. And everyone does.

And it also seemed to Betty,and to me as well, that bookstores are willing to carry every cookbook ever written. It’s like they have a cookbook fetish or something. Not a cooking fetish that would at least have a point. Just a cookbook fetish. Cookbooks are to bookstores as feet are to feet fetish people. Or so it seems anyways. Two useless fetishes. Unless you happen to be a podiatrist. Or a cook I guess. But how many people have those wacky jobs? Very few I suspect.

Anyways, Betty eventually found a cookbook that seemed useful. It had a few pictures and some words. Like most books. And it had stuff made with exotic spices and rare ingredients which no human on earth would ever be able to find in a normal store. And if they could find the items, somewhere, anywhere, they wouldn’t be able to afford them.

Betty didn’t really think about that. Her bestest friend ever Bertha had suggested the cookbook. And Bertha was smart. Plus her Birthday was only a week away and the cookbook would make a great gift.

So clutching the book in her hands Betty ran from the store and straight home.

I don’t think that she actually paid for the book. But the clerks didn’t chase her so maybe she did. Although most minimum wage bookstore employees don’t really have much inspiration to chase people that steal books. After all, they just get paid for being there whether they sell books or watch thieves steal them. So stealing actually makes their workload easier than it would be if they had to ring the item through the till. And put the item in a bag with the receipt. And engage the customer with lively banter about the weather and their stupid choice in books.

Oh, and Bertha thanked Betty for the cookbook. And she promptly re-gifted it to her Grandma who re-gifted it to some other old lady she didn’t like but felt obligated to give a gift to. And the other old lady used the pages to line her bird cage or something.

And life worked out for everyone. As it usually does.

So todays question is:
1) Do you use cookbooks or do you just buy them to make it look like you have skills?

When Clarence woke up something was different. He couldn’t quite figure out what it was but nothing outside looked the same. Where the green grass had been there was now white stuff. Lots of white stuff. So much white stuff he couldn’t even see his neighbors house. Just white stuff and more white stuff.

“Dad” Clarence yelled. “There’s white stuff outside”
But Clarence’s Dad didn’t answer.

“Mom” Clarence yelled. “There’s white stuff outside. And Dad is dead. He didn’t answer me when I yelled”
But Clarence’s Mom only mumbled something that sounded like “Shut the heck up Clarence and go back to sleep” Clarence’s Mom wasn’t a morning person I guess.

“Sister” Clarence yelled. “There’s white stuff outside. And Dad is dead. He didn’t answer me when I yelled. And Mom’s being a bit..”
But Clarence’s Sister cut him off. “Shut up Clarence and go back to sleep. It’s just snow. And Dad’s outside shoveling the walk. And you’re right about Mom but she just isn’t a morning person I guess”

So, Clarence went back to bed. For about 30 seconds. Then he jumped back up and ran back to the window just in time to see his Dad shoveling snow for all he was worth.

Clarence decided to help his Dad shovel. Whatever that meant. He new that his Dad had to work that morning. And that white stuff was in the way of his Dad and his Dad’s job at the shoe store.

Today was a special day at the shoe store. The big New Year’s celebration shoe sale day. And all shoe store employees had to be there to help the customers that would be rushing in to buy shoes and greatly reduced prices. Which likely involved a pre sale increase in prices followed by a sale price which brought the price back to normal. But shoppers don’t care about that. They just see 25% off and they will buy, buy, buy..

Anyways, this was a big day for Clarence’s Dad. Because even though he knew the sale wasn’t really a sale but just normal pricing he was a shoe salesman and as such he convinced himself that the sale was really a sale. And with his generous additional 5% staff discount he planned to buy many pairs of shoes for his own family.

And since he was a centipede he needed more footwear for himself and his family than the average customer. Not like those other lucky bugs who only need three pairs of shoes. He needed pallet loads of shoes for his family.

“It could be worse” thought Clarence’s dad as he shoveled. “ Carlos works at a taco stand in the mall and he doesn’t even get a shoe discount. And his daughter needs 50 pairs of orthopedic shoes”

“And his son plays hockey” he chuckled to himself as he shoveled. “50 pairs of hockey skates. Ha, ha,ha..What kind of a doofus would let his son play hockey.”

Clarence’s Dad was still laughing about the hockey part when Clarence came outside to help him shovel.

“How can I help” yelled Clarence who apparently had a problem with keeping his voice down.

“Just grab a shovel and start shoveling” said his Dad. And then they both laughed.
Centipedes have a lot of legs but they appear to have quite a shortage of arms so grabbing a shovel isn’t an easy task.

With both of them shoveling, by holding shovels in their mouth and flipping their heads I’m guessing it wasn’t any time before they had shoveled a 1cm x 1cm area out from the front of the doorway.

“That’s finally done” said Clarence’s Dad. “Thanks for your help Clarence”

And donning his snowshoes Clarence’s Dad stomped off to work. In about an hour or two. It takes a while to put on that many snowshoes.

And Clarence went back to bed. Because there was nothing else to do I suppose.

Oh, and his Mom got up around noon. And she was quite cheerful for the rest of the day. She just isn’t a morning person I suppose.

So, today’s question is:
1) Do you remember the first time you saw snow?

“Mary, stop bothering your brother” yelled her Mother. 

But Mary was only 2 years old so all she heard was “Mary, blah, blah, blah.”
So she reacted to the Mary part of the request. Not so much to the blah, blah, blah part.

And her reaction to the Mary part mostly consisted of thinking her Mother was cheering her on in her quest to smash her brothers toys to pieces. Which she did quite promptly because the toys of today are made mostly of cheap plastic. Not like the toys of the past which were made of lead and mercury and glass and such.

Sure, the toys of the past caused the demise of many children due to their highly toxic nature but those toys are still around today. A testament to a time when quality was more important than quantity. And children’s health I guess.

“Lunch time” yelled Mary’s Mother.

Mary knew these words meant food. And she was hungry from smushing all her brother’s toys so she had worked up quite an appetite.

In the kitchen her Mother had prepared the usual macaroni and cheese. Which was Mary’s favorite meal. Mostly because the macaroni and cheese of today is made of processed sugar cane macaroni’s and powdered sugar cheese with flavoring and other chemicals that mimicked the taste of pasta and dairy products. Not like in the old days where real pasta made of wheat and cheese made from real milk products were the norm.

But people didn’t really notice when the worlds farming operations all switched to sugar production. Mostly because everyone likes sugar more than the real foods they replaced.
And scienticians of the day have made great strides in dentures and hip replacement products and such so the crumbling bodies can get fixed as need be.

Sure, the foods of today cause the demise of many children due to their lack of nutrients but those foods will be around for a long time. Because sugar has a long shelf life I think. And they are a testament to a time when fast and easy is more important than quality. And children’s health I guess.

As she ate her lunch Mary pondered the state of toys and food production. 

Well she might have if she didn’t have hyperactive attention deficit disorder like all of her peers. Which some scienticians think may be caused by eating so much sugar.
So mostly she pondered smashing her plate and throwing her cutlery when she finished eating. As is the style these days.

And her Mother popped a few more pills to calm her frayed nerves. As is also the style these days.

So, todays question is:
1) Do you think life is improving or just getting stranger? 

With the new year finally here it’s important that thoughts now turn to Spring and the beach for no apparent reason. At least not where I live anyways. We still have 3 or more months of Winter to deal with. And the common clothing choice will be parkas and such so no one will notice if you have a fat stomach or not for a really long time. 

And even when Spring does arrive it’s still cold enough to wear a baggy jacket which will hide your belly.

So, except for about 2 weeks a year you could be as fat as a pumpkin and no one would be the wiser.

But, for those unlucky few that happen to live in Florida or some such weirdo place where it’s too hot for baggy jackets or parkas and such here is my easy five step plan for a flat stomach.

 Tip 1
Lay on your back a lot. Your stomach will appear smaller if your back fat can spread out on the bed or floor.

 Tip 2
Breath in. Hold your breath as often as possible. If you are a guy you probably do this a lot anyways. Try not to turn purple when you do this.

 Tip 3
If possible lean forward all the time. Your chest will look larger than your gut. Hopefully.

 Tip 4
Wear Grandpa pants and cinch them up around your armpits. It will confuse people into thinking your stomach is higher than that fat blob that now appears to reside in your crotch.

 Tip 5
If all else fails just stand behind things. Walls, cars, fatter people..whatever makes your bulbous belly look smaller.

 If you would like to purchase the complete program (which consists of what I have written above) then send $99.99 to P.O. Box 343, Markham, Ontario. Cash only. 

 Money back guarantee 

 If you follow these tips for just 52 weeks I guarantee that you will have a stomach that you can live with or I will give you all your money back*
*if I haven’t spent it and I feel like doing so..