Happy and Blue 2

“Where the heck are we?” said Milly to her husband.

“We are here.” he replied.

“But that’s what you said when I asked you the same question half an hour ago.” Milly replied.

“Well, at that time we were here as well. But now that we are here this is now here and that is there.” he replied.

“What? That doesn’t make any sense at all. Where is there?”

“Good grief..How much more plain can I make this.” he said. “There is where we were. Here is where we are now.”

“We’re lost. Just admit it.” Milly said.

“We aren’t lost. We just haven’t found where we want to be yet.” said her husband.
“We need to head East.” And with that he stopped heading North and started heading East.

“We’re still lost” said Milly a few minutes later.

“No we aren’t” her husband replied. “We’re almost there.”
“I just need to go South for a bit.” And with that he stopped heading East and turned South.

The husband felt a great deal of satisfaction in his choice of direction. South seemed like a good way to go. Not sure why really. I always go counter clockwise when I’m going there. But I’m left handed and I’m guessing he’s right handed which could explain why he went clockwise.

“We’re still lost” said Milly who was now getting really frustrated.

“No we aren’t.” her husband replied.
He could sense her frustration but he just knew he was almost there. And he knew how amazed she would be when he got them where they wanted to go.
Well, actually he imagined that amazed part. That part isn’t going to happen..

“I just need to head West for a bit.” And with that he stopped heading South and turned West.

Milly was growing extremely frustrated.
“WE ARE LOST” she shouted out.

“No we aren’t” her husband replied. “I just need to turn North for a bit now and we will be there. Right after I stop at that gas station. I have to use the facilities.”

“Alright” said Milly. “I need to use the washroom as well.”
“To reapply my 12 hour makeup that’s worn off on this trip. And then I need to phone a cab to take me where we are heading” she muttered under her breath.

But men have selective hearing so he never heard her mutter and as soon as the washroom door closed behind Milly her husband went to the clerk and asked directions to the mall.

“It’s right there. Across the street.” said the clerk who had answered this question a million times before. “Just head North when you leave our lot.”

Milly’s husband was of course proud of himself when they arrived.
“I told you I knew where we were going” he announced to Millie.

But women have selective hearing as well so she ignored him and began searching for a shopping cart.

“Do you see a cart anywhere” she asked her husband

“I think there is probably one over there” he said. “Just head East.”

Now, you chicks get out there and lay an egg” said the director of the School For Advanced Chickens”

And with that all the little chicks ran out onto the stage.

But the boy chickens just stood in the wings. Probably their Mother’s wings but it may have been curtain wings.

“Well, what are you waiting for? screamed the director. “I said get out there!!!!”

“No you didn’t” they all replied. “You said get out there “chicks”
We’re boys. Not chicks.”

“Augghhh!!!!!” said the director. “Stupid human words and their meanings. Just go guys go…”

So the boy chicks took their place on the stage.
And of course the performance was boring for anyone but the parents.
As children’s Christmas concerts tend to be.

But, even staging a chicken Christmas concert can be complex and boring I suppose..

None of them could really remember when the tradition of sending the Christmas cards had started but they knew it was in their early school years together.

Now that they were grownups the tradition continued for the horse, the pig and the skunk.

It started with a Christmas card they each sent to each other a few weeks before Christmas Day.

The horse sent out cards to the pig and the skunk with notes inside that usually said something like:
“Merry Christmas skunk. Hope your presents are all smell.”
and
“Merry Christmas pig. Don’t hog all the gifts for yourself.”

And the Pig sent out cards to the horse and the skunk with a note that usually said something like:
“Merry Christmas horse.Don’t race through supper like you did last year.”
and
“Merry Christmas skunk. Try not to get stinking drunk with the joy of the season.”

And the Skunk sent out cards to the pig and the horse with notes inside that usually said something like:
“Merry Christmas horse. Thank you for your friendship through the past year. It really means a lot to me.”
and
“Merry Christmas pig. Thank you for being such a good friend. I cherish our time together.”

Apparently horses and pigs hang out with humans to much and have adopted their sense of humor.
And skunks are very sentimental.

But, I suppose, when it comes to traditions, and to Christmas, it isn’t always about the words people say. It’s about caring. And when you have good friends it’s kind of like Christmas everyday.

Without all the stress, I also suppose..

“I can’t stop it” said Bonnie. “It’s going to crash..”

And with those words the tree and all the decorations it held were on the floor.

“Now what can we do?” Bonnie continued sobbing as she spoke.
“It’s all ruined.”

But her best friend Molly just looked at her and said “Don’t worry. I have a plan.”

“So, what exactly is your plan” said Bonnie through her sobs..

“Well..I’m not sure yet.” said Molly. “But a plan is always as good as two birds in the watched pot gathering moss or something.”
Molly tended to use saying like this when she was thinking. Not sure why..

“Perhaps we could set the tree up again.” Molly continued.

“That’s a great idea” said Bonnie who wasn’t particularly bright but was game for doing stuff.

And set it up they did.

“The decorations are all over the floor” said Bonnie, who was beginning to sob again.
She was an emotional girl apparently..

“Well,” said Molly. “Don’t worry about that. I have a plan.”

“So, what exactly is this new plan” said Bonnie continuing to sob as she spoke.

“Well…I’m not sure yet” said Molly. “But a plan is better than getting a bee in your hand, or getting your panties in your lunch or something.”
Molly tended to use sayings like these a lot as well. I’m beginning to think she isn’t all that bright either.

“Perhaps,” she continued, “we could put the decorations back on the tree.”

“Another brilliant plan” said Bonnie.

And so they did.

And the tree looked even better than before.

At least until the Bonnie’s cat knocked it over again when it was chasing a fly or something.

Shelley skunk was excited. And the last thing anyone wants to be around is an excited skunk. Unless I guess if she was in her own home with other skunks. Which, of course, she was.

“Mom, Dad, get up.” yelled Shelley. ‘Christmas is here.”

Mom looked at the clock and sighed.
Dad looked at the clock and yelled back “It’s 3am. Go back to bed or you’ll get such a licking.”

They all laughed at that as most animals do. Except for bears and possibly monkeys most animals don’t have the ability to give anyone a licking. Except with their tongues I suppose. Which isn’t really a deterrent to bad behavior..

“But I want to open my gifts Daddy” said Shelley.

Shelley was like most little girls. She knew that if she said things in the right way she could get her Dad to give in. And no Dad can resist when his daughter calls him “Daddy”

So within minutes the Skunk family was up.

Dad headed straight for the bathroom. Mom started the coffee.

“Don’t go in” said Dad Skunk to Mom Skunk as he left the bathroom. “It smells like something died in there”

Everyone laughed again of course. When you live in a family of skunks there really isn’t anything you could do in a bathroom that would be noticed.
Unless you forgot to flush I suppose. But Dad Skunk always flushed. And washed his paws. Even though that part seems somewhat unnecessary for animals to do.

Anyways, after everyone stopped laughing at Dad’s joke they sat down near the tree.

Dad handed out the gifts one by one as he always did. And no one opened any of them until he was done.
I’m kidding. As fast as he could toss them out the gift wrapping was torn off and the recipient was screaming for a new gift.

Shelley got a lot of gifts and she unwrapped them as fast as she could.
She had asked for a bike but so far all she had received were skunk barbies and skunk barbie clothing. She also got a skunk barbie car which totally confused her since skunks don’t drive cars and the only cars she had ever seen seemed intent on squishing her. She squealed, squirted and tossed the car in the rubbish immediately.

Finally her Dad handed her a large present that looked like a bike with a bow on it.

And, it was a bike.

Shelley was so excited she hopped on the bike immediately. And just as immediately she fell off..

“Will you teach me how to ride my bike Dad” said Shelley.

“Not until later” said Dad Skunk as he opened up his last parcel which, like all the other gifts he got, contained socks. “What sick %!!!$! keeps giving me socks. I don’t have any use for socks” he continued mumbling in dismay.

Shelley and Mom Skunk just looked down so as not to give themselves away about the sock purchases..

“Please Daddy” said Shelley.

So of course Dad Skunk put down his pile of useless socks and headed out with Shelley to teach her how to ride the bike.
And when she had learned to ride her bike she used it to take the socks to the charity drop off down the street.
So, everything worked out perfectly.