Happy and Blue 2

Sometimes we have lots of money and time for Christmas gift giving. And sometimes we have neither.

So if you are broke and don’t want to spend time on gifts then this list should start you off on your quest to get it over with.

1.Sneak into an elementary school classroom when they are making things out of clay.
Normally you will make clay ashtrays or some other piece of crap.
If you are lucky you will get to paint them.

One other thing: Get some little kids to vouch for you in case the Teacher doesn’t believe you belong in the class. Use threats if necessary.
Or, alternatively, when she comes to confront you, wet your pants. Little kids of all sizes are always wetting their pants so she’ll believe you are just a big little kid.

2.Give everyone on your list a shopping cart. You can get these at pretty much any Mall or Grocery Store for about a dollar. They have them sitting in racks for goodness sake. And no one in the store is watching.

3.Get everyone a jacket or coat.
Restaurants and some bars are full of coats that people have left on the hangers up front.
If the people notice their coat is missing when they leave they will either think they didn’t bring it with them or they will go mental on the Restaurant or Bar manager. Not you.

4.Write everyone a fake charity donation receipt. Receipt books are cheap and no one will try to verify if the donation is real.
Plus, if they do check, charities are usually run by volunteers and who believes volunteers who say the donation isn’t real.

5.Wrap up empty boxes and open one end. Then re-tape that end with some masking tape and mail it to them.
You can imagine the gift recipients surprise when they open their gift on Christmas Day only to find that some Postal Worker has stolen it.

6.Become a Jehovah’s Witness until the holiday is over. They don’t celebrate Christmas.
Or become Jewish. Then switch back after the holidays.
Actually there are a lot of religions that don’t celebrate Christmas. Any one will do until gift giving is over.
And as a bonus your friends and family will likely give you even better gifts to bring you back from your wacky ways.

7.Make them a craft kit. Craft kits are really just make up of bits of junk anyways so throwing some crap you have around the house into a box is just the same.
I think women like stuff like cloth and leaves and dryer lint.
And for the men, throw a piece of scrap lumber and a steak knife in a box and call it a whittling kit. Paste a picture of a horse, car or some nude woman on the box and they’ll be busy whittling all year.

8.Pretend you’ve gone all doomsday scenario and pick up some food at a food bank. Call it an Emergency Food Supply kit and you are done.
Or alternatively you can create an Emergency Fire Starter kit for them with a couple of rocks and some string.
It’s not like people are getting lost in the woods anyways so they will never know it doesn’t really work.

With a little creativity you can enjoy gift giving even if you are broke.
And that’s what gift giving is really all about. Unloading crap on your friends and relatives while they unload crap on you.

So today’s question is:
1) What creative ideas do you have for gift giving for people who are broke?

“Wow,this is the bestest cake ever” Mrs.P. said the children as they continued stuffing their faces and running around like mad dogs.

Mrs.P. always thought that there had been a problem with birthday cakes. And that she could fix the problem.

“The problem with birthday cakes, all cakes for that matter”, thought Mrs.P., “is that no one really likes the cake part. Icing is where it’s at.”

So, being fortunate enough to have a daughter who had a birthday coming up she had set about planning her cake revolution. A cake with more icing and less cake.

Mrs. P. liked the idea of creating a revolution in cake design. She also liked the word revolution with it’s many meanings.

“A revolution of the Earth”, she thought.
“And a country experiencing a revolution of its citizens against some evil dictator.”
And, well that’s all she could think of.
Except for a revolution in cake design. Which she would create.

So, she set about making her cake. The same cake that would perhaps change the face of cake making for weeks. Perhaps months. Oh, what the heck, forever.

First she made the icing. Two large garbage pails of icing.

“If you are going to start a revolution then you need to make it big” she thought.

She then made some cake. Not a lot. Just enough to stuff between the icing layers.

Then she dumped one garbage pail of icing on a large board, placed the cake on top of it and dumped the other garbage pail of icing on top of that. Very carefully of course.

“There are rules of revolutions” she thought. “One must keep them neat and tidy.”

The cake looked marvelous. “It just needs some sprinkles” she thought.
Which of course she didn’t have. And because this story takes place on a Sunday there weren’t any stores open. So she improvised with modelling clay. I don’t think that’s toxic.

The children at the birthday party loved the cake. Almost as much as they loved smashing everything in sight after they ate some.

And the children loved her bathroom. There was a constant lineup to use it as well.
She was glad that she had changed the air freshener the day before. And that she had bought a 3 pack of fresheners because they just didn’t seem effective after a short time.

But the children were happy. They laughed. They passed gas in volumes that would make a herd of cattle, or a group of giggling old ladies jealous. They threw up. They did what children are known to do when they are having a great time.

I suppose the only downside was that Mrs. P. ate a big helping of the cake herself,had a severe allergic reaction to the modelling clay and died within minutes..

But Mrs.P. belonged to a religion that believes in multiple lives so she came back as a carrot or something eventually.

And the kids didn’t notice so none of them were traumatized or anything.

Her own child was on such a sugar high that she went home with some other child’s parents. And they raised her. And she eventually married a prince or shoe salesman and lived happily in either a castle or a one bedroom apartment with subsidized rent.

Oh, and the remaining bits of the cake were carried off by flies and ants. So except for me telling you of this, no one would ever know the history of the current cake revolution.

So today’s question is:
1)What’s your favorite part of a cake?

Moving day is always stressful and for Sally it was even more stressful than normal.
Sally had lived in the same place all her life.

She had grown up in her current house, made BFF’s with the other kids in the neighborhood, gone to the same school, played the same games and pretty much done everything she could remember in the same way always.

And now, just when she was about to go into her final year of high school she had to move.
Her Dad had a new job on the other side of town. Either that or he was banned from all the local drinking establishments and needed to move to a place where no one knew him. History is unclear on the facts of this move. As history often is.

But Sally had to move with her family. And this is about her. Not her drunken Father who shall remain nameless to protect her identity. And to give him a chance to get set up in another community.

So, when moving day arrived, Sally packed up all her belongings and hid in the closet.
I suppose she shed a few tears. Perhaps many. I’m afraid of closets so I didn’t check.

But, eventually her parents found her. Probably due to her crying noises. Or the wet spot just outside the closet that her Mother slipped on.

And with all their belongings packed safely away in paper bags and a few boxes off they went to their new home.

Sally cried the whole time it took them to get to their new home. She even cried when they stopped half way through their trip to eat supper.

In fact, she was crying so hard that she barely managed to eat her third helping of the food. She’s an emotional girl. With a good appetite I’m guessing.

Finally, after several hours, they arrived at the new home which was actually very nice.
It was much larger than their old house and much cleaner.

And, Sally got to pick her new room from several empty bedrooms. So she chose one that faced the front street.

Later that night, while she looked out the bedroom window, she imagined that she could still see her friends playing. And she imagined that she could still see her old high school. And her old house. And she imagined that nothing had changed in her life.

But, of course it had.

Sally lived on the other side of the street. Directly opposite her old house.

And for a family of snails, like her family was, that’s a long way. Kind of like moving to a new city I suppose.

So today’s question is:
1) Did you ever have to move away from your friends?

At the end of the day Comita sat in her big comfy chair and pondered the days events.

She had timed her trip to the store that morning so that she would be at the front doors of the store just as they opened at 9am. For the first time ever she would be the first one in the store, she had thought.

But of course by 9am there was already a large lineup of seniors at the doors. About 900 or so by her count.

Of course, she was still far ahead of the people who hadn’t got there yet so she sighed and little sigh and was thankful.

As soon as the doors opened the crowd was moving forward. Only a few minutes and I’ll be inside she had thought.

And of course she was. In about an hour. Seniors arrive early but they don’t move all that quickly.

But, by 1030am she was inside the store. And there were a large group of family type people who had arrived sometime around 10 who were still behind her.

So she was thankful for that.

With just one item to get she didn’t bother to get a cart. Just a short walk to the laundry soap aisle and she would be on her way. So, off she went to pick up her laundry soap.

Very slowly as it turned out, because the laundry soap was apparently on sale and the seniors in the crowd liked sales. And standing talking about sales in the laundry soap aisle as well apparently.

But by noon the seniors had finished chatting about the bargain and had left for the checkouts so she grabbed a box of laundry soap and headed for the checkouts as well.

She was thankful that she only had one item because she could use the fast aisles.

Of course the fast aisles were full of seniors who felt the need to tell the cashier about their aches and pains. And their life stories. And how the sale price wasn’t really all that great.

And they all paid in cash. Which they kept in various purses and pockets. And it took forever to get to it. And count it. And recount it.

But by 230pm Comita was at the front of the line.
And she was thankful for that.

But when she reached in her purse her wallet was missing. And she remembered she had left it on the table at home. At least I know where it is she had thought.
And she was thankful for that.

So, she apologized to the cashier, who by now had replaced her bright and cheerful look with a glazed over I wish I was dead look, and she went back to her car.

And, as her car was boxed in by other inconsiderate parkers she was forced to wait in it until 6pm until she could finally go home.

But it was sunny out and she was thankful for that.

And now, sitting in her big comfy chair she reviewed the days events.
And she was thankful they were over.

But a large spring in the comfy chair was poking her between her thighs and her lower back and she let loose with a stream of curse words that scared a dog that was chasing a cat in the neighborhood.

And she was thankful for that as well. Because she liked cats I suppose. Not sure why.

So today’s question is:
1) What are you thankful for? ( and for any Canadians who have already had Thanksgiving on it’s proper day, “Have you ever gone shopping?”)

“Where in the heck are my brown socks” shouted Aglep to his twin brother Pelga. “I only have mismatched brown and black socks. Auuuughhhh..”

“Don’t ask me” said Pelga contritely. “I’ve only got mis-matched brown and black socks too. Wear a different outfit.”

“But I’m wearing my brown suit” said Aglep. “I need brown socks with a brown suit.”

“Just wear your black suit” said Pelga.

“I can’t wear my black suit” continued Aglep. “I only have a brown jacket and black pants.”

“Well, I only have brown pants and a black jacket in my room” said Pelga. “So figure something out.”

“Have you seen my brown shoes” said Aglep. “I have one black and one brown shoe in here.”

“No, I only have one brown shoe and one black shoe in my room” said Pelga.

“Oh, fiddle-de-de” said Aglep. “I’m going to be late for my job interview at the clothing store. Black and brown it has to be.”

So, Aglep put on his brown jacket and black pants.
And he put on one brown sock and one black sock
And he wore one black shoe and one brown shoe which he alternated with the sock color because he wanted his outfit to balance out.

Then he headed out to catch the bus for his job interview.

After waiting 30 minutes for the bus to arrive he realized that he wasn’t waiting on the right corner. So he ambled over to where the sign said “Bus Stop” and waited there for another 30 minutes.

When the bus arrived and Aglep got on everyone laughed at his outfit.
Even the bus driver was laughing so hard that he was swerving all over the road.
No one was injured or anything but a few of the bus riders lost their lunch during the trip downtown. The lunches probably just slid somewhere. Hang on to your lunch on a bus or this could happen to you.

People laughed at Aglep all the way to the clothing store where he was to have his interview. In fact a large crowd of people began following him into the store as he made his way to the managers desk.

The manager took one look at Aglep and said “I have never had this many customers in my store. You’re hired!!!!”
So, Aglep returned home all full of glee and such.

And he had a great life working for minimum wage with no benefits. As is the norm in retail establishments.

And today’s question is:
1) Has something ever turned out well for you despite it seeming to be a bad thing while it was happening?